My Queer Journey

Well hi blog it's been a while. To put it simply I've had a very busy few months. I changed jobs and I'm loving it, I moved homes, I'm socialising more now the worlds back open and I've been resting. But it's Pride Month and I felt this was the perfect time to get back into the swing of writing again. I felt it would be good to share my journey with my sexuality. 

Growing up I was very very lucky. Both my mum, step-dad, father and step-mother all made it very clear I could fall in love with whoever I wanted to. I was very proud of my own friends for coming out but whenever I would develop feelings for a girl I would push them aside saying it was a "girl crush" and "I just really admire her". I remember a time a friend of mine told me she was bi-sexual and I was so proud of her and the first thing I asked was 'Have you told your, mum?' because in my mind that was the first thing I'd do. But her family were not accepting as mine so I think it took her a little bit longer. So why was it that despite my family being so open I still felt wrong finding women attractive. I always felt heard and accepted but that didn't mean I didn't suffer with my own internalised homophobia.

For many years in the media lesbian women or bisexual women were always stereotypically portrayed as "butch" and "manly" with short hair and interests in cars and sports. In some cases there are queer women that are this way and they feel their most authentic selves like this but I never identified with that. I was still very much feminine and I struggled to accept the fact I liked women as well as men because I couldn't fit myself into the image the media had portrayed of a queer woman. Then things changed. 

I was shown different forms of queer females through Callie Torres of 'Grey's Anatomy' who was a strong woman but feminine and fell in love with men and women. Likewise there was Arizona Robbins who was a bubbly, cute feminine lesbian character I hadn't seen in main stream media before. And then there was Santana Lopez from 'Glee'. A Latina lesbian who was sexy and confident and embodied her womanhood in a way I had never seen. I was now being shown that lesbians and bisexuals didn't have to fit into a specific stereotype that had plagued me for so many years. I was beginning to realise that maybe my "girl crushes" were actually crushes and there was nothing wrong with them. 

Then along came 'RuPaul's Drag Race' and I got to see a whole other side of gay culture I hadn't experienced before. I started watching this show at a bad time in my life and it truly bought me a sense of joy and happiness during that period. I saw that you didn't have to fit into a box. Love was multilayered and not straight forward. Love is love and in the words of RuPaul 'If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?'. 

Then University happened and I kissed girls and felt no shame for it. I was able to grow and learn what felt authentic to me. Many of my best friends are gay and through them I learnt my own acceptance. The person I started University as is a very different person to who I am now. 

I don't like labels and quite truthfully sometimes find all the labels in the LGBTQ+ community a little overwhelming. When I started to use a label of Pansexual a girl at my university told me that wasn't what I was because that meant you loved everyone regardless of gender e.g. trans people, non binary etc. But that was how I felt. I knew that gender wasn't a concern for me. I had always been brought up knowing that the love and kindness I was given was more important than anything else. So for a while because of that one person who didn't know me very well I felt embarrassed to use that label. When I did start to use that label it then didn't fit right. Not because of what it meant but because in my heart I don't think labels made sense. It's no ones business who I fall in love with so I then found a term that I felt fit me and made me feel more authentically myself...Queer. 

I've never really felt I've had to come out to family because I know if I brought a woman how one day it would be fine. They wouldn't bat an eyelid. I talk openly about it with them don't feel any judgement which was a huge part of accepting myself. 

While I haven't had to face the struggles many people in the LGBTQ+ community have faced (and still face today) I do still think the media needs to work harder to show multiple interpretations of sexuality. During Pride Month I now feel I have a voice and a story that should be heard because I'm sure many people out there may have experienced the same as myself. 

Just remember there is never a rush. I am 24 year old queer woman who has fallen in love with a man but feels so authentic and open and entirely myself. There are no boxes to fit in. There is no need to push yourself into a label or find a flag at defines you just pick what feels authentically you. Love who you want to love. Or don't love that is just as valid of people who want to. 

Be proud. Be bold. Be understanding. And listen.